How forgiveness set Danny and Leila Abdallah free
It was February 1, 2020, and I’d probably had the best month of my life. We had taken the kids on a holiday to Queensland and were back in Sydney for the Australia Day long weekend. My eldest boy, Antony, was 13, Angelina was about to start year 7, and Sienna was just 8 years old. My kids have always been my hobby and my world. When anyone asks me what I did for work, I would say, “I’m a full-time father, part-time worker.”
We were getting ready to go to a birthday party. Being Lebanese, we always have extended family around, and that day, my sister-in-law was at our house with her kids. I called all the kids over to me and gave them some money to buy themselves an ice cream. Seven kids went out to buy ice cream, but only three came back.
My sister-in-law got a phone call a little while later when Leila and I were leaving to go to the birthday party. I heard her screaming as she ran out to the car, “Danny, something’s happened! We need to go!” We drove to where they were. I just remember seeing five kids lying on the ground and the other two screaming hysterically. A friend from the neighbourhood saw me and ran up to me, saying, “Danny, we need to find these kids’ parents. Whose kids are they?” I just looked at him and said, “These are my kids.”
As a Dad, you never want to be in that position. People were coming up to me, and I just remember feeling myself floating up out of my body and looking at the scene from above. At that moment, I just surrendered to God. I said, “God, I know this is bigger than me. I surrender.” Lelia arrived a few minutes later and dropped to her knees to pray. People approached her to comfort her, and she asked them to pray with her. I remember being pushed back away from my kids as the police drew up the cordon around the accident and watching them lay blankets over the bodies. That’s when it really hit me that they were gone.
The next day, the priest visited us, and I remember him saying, “However you conduct yourselves now, the world will follow. Your family, your community—the world will follow your lead.” From that point on, we decided to honour God in our grief.
On the day of the funeral, Leila chose to wear a white dress instead of a traditional black one. I just looked at her and said to me, “Danny, all we ever wanted to do was get our kids to heaven. They’re in heaven. This isn’t a funeral; this is a wedding. Our kids are with God.” That day, we were able to celebrate our children’s lives. We still live with pain and sorrow, but we can thank God for our time with each of them.
A few days later, Leila returned to the scene of the accident and prayed. She went to the spot where one of their bodies had laid and prayed. Then she moved to the next place and prayed. And then the next, and the next. And as she moved around, it was like the stations of the cross. She just kept praying for the kids. A news reporter approached her and asked her if she wanted to talk, and eventually, with some coaxing, she began talking about our kids. Then she said something no one expected. She said, “I don’t hate the driver, in my heart. I think I forgive him, but I want the courts to be fair.” The priest was right – the world was watching us, and Leila’s words stunned the world. From the Middle East to America to Europe – we got messages from across the world from people who were amazed by Leila’s words.
From the outside looking in, what Christ did on the cross seems strange, maybe incredible. But now, after experiencing this grief, I understand so much more. Christ’s forgiveness on the cross is the only reason I can move towards others with a spirit of forgiveness. We know that resurrection accompanies death. Through the horror of death, Christ has resurrected a forgiveness movement. We still feel pain and sorrow every day, but forgiveness has helped to get rid of the anger and bitterness. It’s helped us get through each day and make sure we are there for our other children.
That one act of forgiveness Leila chose that day, that choice we both made to move forward with forgiveness in our hearts, has changed our lives. It’s the only reason we can welcome a new baby into our family, and it has freed us from the burden of anger and resentment. Don’t get me wrong, Leila and I are sad a lot. We cry a lot. We grieve our children every single day. But we’ve learnt that as long as we live on this earth, we will get glimpses of the glorious resurrected Jesus, but most of the time, we experience the sorrowful Christ on the cross until we meet him face to face.
Samuel, the driver, was sentenced to 28 years in prison. For me, that sentence is justice for the community. There is no sentence he could receive that would satisfy me or Leila. The only thing that would satisfy me is having my kids back. He could get one day or a hundred years; it doesn’t really matter to me. What matters is that I’ve forgiven him, and my kids have forgiven him. I’m so thankful I had the chance to tell Samuel’s parents that. One day during the trial, our two families were sitting on opposite sides of the courtroom, and I just walked right up to them and shook their hands. “Look, I know I’ve experienced loss, but so have you.” He apologised to me for what his son had done, and I told him that Leila and I had forgiven his son.
Forgiveness helps you more than the other person you’re forgiving. We chose to forgive Samuel, the driver of the car. I’ve had to learn how to forgive myself for telling the kids to go and get ice cream that day. You need to love yourself enough, know how much Christ loves you, and forgive yourself. Only then can you become the cup that overflows to your loved ones. One day, I hope to be able to stand in a prison and let the other inmates know that I have forgiven Samuel. I want to tell them that they need to learn to forgive themselves and to ask for forgiveness from friends and family.
I’m no theologian, but I’m learning this from my experience. This forgiveness has brought some joy back into our household. Music is making its way back into our lives. I can be the funny dad again, mucking around with the kids and having a laugh. Our household is in the best possible place because of that one moment of forgiveness.
Emotions are contagious. If Leila and I held onto our anger and bitterness, we would pass it on to our kids. We chose, and we keep choosing, to forgive. Our daily choices get us to our destination. Daily choices are important. Forgiveness is a daily choice. The more you practice, the better you become at it, and it allows you to live peacefully and to heal. We still live in sorrow and pain, but we’re grateful for the time we had with our children.
Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself and others, and we want the world to know it. We launched i4Give Day in honour of our children on February 1, 2021. The “4” is in honour of the four children who died that day. We wanted this message of forgiveness to be a global movement across religions and cultures. In collaboration with Prison Fellowship Australia, we designed The Forgiveness Project. It is a wonderful gift to inmates – a hands-on course to equip them with the tools to forgive themselves and others to live a peaceful life. Ask yourself this question: ‘What have I lost through unforgiveness, and what could I gain if I have the courage to choose forgiveness?’ Remember, i4give Day is a day we can reflect and ask ourselves, ‘Who do I need to forgive or who do I need to ask forgiveness from?’ I’ll say it again: Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and your loved ones.
Danny and Leila Abdallah
